I am so blessed in my cyber-buddies, so very blessed. You are all so good to write and send me your thoughts and also that some of you too have passed through this valley on your journey. I am humbled and begin to think that I may survive too. You are so encouraging.
Friends at school and around have been kind too, some really making the effort to remind me that they care. That too is encouraging.
I have hidden for the last month, afraid to be seen for fear of verbal abuse. Its been difficult and not just due to the demons in my head. Whatever other people are thinking, I think I am judging myself the most harshly of all since it does seem to me a wicked thing to have walked away from my marriage. And although the girls are free to visit me whenever they please, they continue to live with their father. From full time Mom to a few hours a week with each girl, if I'm lucky, is an overwhelming loss...of companionship and identity. I tell myself that it is early onset 'empty nest' syndrome!!!
I will take photos of my funny little house to show you.
Its over one hundred years old, with an outside loo and, in the back shed, the old yard fireplace for cooking! Its very narrow, maybe 8' wide, and shaped like a boomerang with hardly a square corner in the place. The fire heats the radiators and the hot water- no fire, no heat. There are three plug sockets upstairs, two in the sitting room and I thought there were three in the kitchen but then I found two more in a cupboard...so if I want to plug in something extra I have to use it in the cupboard and sit on the floor...
Eccentric in the extreme!!
3 comments:
I'm so glad you're no longer hiding away. You should be proud and hold your head up high- it takes more courage to leave a situation that isn't working than it does to plod along hoping things might change. Welcome back and good luck in your new home and on your new journey xxx
Well, I hope it's a short term lease. And I hope while you are there you write a children's story about this house and illustrate it. I can see all kinds of characters coming out of that landscape.
Now dear, onto your brighter future. Have you heard of Brene Brown? I'm sure you have. But if you haven't, she is a shame researcher. She says this about unwarranted feelings of guilt.
“We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light, inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there’s something wrong with us – that we’re bad, flawed, not good enough – and even worse, we start acting on those beliefs. If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame.”
You can see her Ted Talk here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0
Stay strong, Heckety Beck, stay Irish strong. There will be a resolution that will bring you joy. Please tell us what colors you have chosen for this shoe you are living in.
Well, it sounds as if you have found yourself a suitably quirky house to live in, though I'm shocked that there are still houses around with outside loos and kitchens! I hope you can make yourself really snug with winter upon us and that you'll find yourself something with a few more mod cons as time goes by. Keep your chin up, there's always a silver lining around the corner. (That sounds like a very Irish mixed metaphor!)
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