The Sandwich Generation

When I first heard the term 'The Sandwich Generation' I thought yummy! coleslaw and bacon? or cheese and ham? But after another moments' thought I decided it was a really condescending term to use to describe a stressful way of living for many, many families. The situation may be more prevalent with our increasing longevity, but people, often women, have been working to keep children and parents, and very often nieces, nephews, uncles and aunts adequately cared for for generations.

What is difficult to understand is the sheer volume of busyness involved in keeping up with all the demands and duties. As a mother I thought my girls were high maintenance as toddlers! Then they got to be teenagers and I thought, well this is fun, but I was permanently wrecked with all their school and activities and friends' socialising. They are in their 20s now and although they are away it shows no sign of slowing down...and they are independent, resourceful young women.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the parents have aged, slowed down and need increasing attention and assistance. There are days I have to decide whose need is greater and let one family member down in preference to another.

And besides all that there is the small matter of part-time work and self-employment to try and keep a roof over my head and stay out of debt.

On any given day I can be listening to one daughter on the phone, having another rock up unexpectedly and wonder why there's no bread in the freezer (another sister finished it at the weekend), help folks with the garden heavy work, assist another daughter with getting the washing machine in her new flat working and then on the end of the phone via multimedia messages (excellent invention) help her find the whereabouts of the water valve when the kitchen subsequently floods, bump into someone else in town and take their shopping home for them so they can have a decent walk (dry days are increasingly rare!), and eventually return home having forgotten to do all my own errands.

I'm lucky as I've only had part-time occupation for years so I have the time for other people, and still time to be ill myself. What about others? Those with bedridden parents or disabled family members? What about those who are financing family members' care and are so tightly strung financially they can't see the wood for the trees? What about those who become so isolated in their busyness of minding others that they become depressed and too worn out to function efficiently. I know several families where the wife works full-time, with children still in high-dependency mode, and parents and parents-in-law who need constant care. What about them?

This may be the reality for many people but it is not easy, usually thankless (who thanks anyone for 'doing their duty'?) and as the only realistic end can be the death of someone, how can they look forward to that without all sorts of guilt and grief?

Like I say, I have it easy compared to many and still my resources are not such that I can offer too much help to others without making myself more ill. Eldest's partner copes admirably with her illness and disabilities, the other girls come and go with just the usual hiccups, my parents are still pretty independent and I have siblings among which to divide the responsibility.

It's a tough situation.

And then some idiot says 'you only work part time? and your children all grown? sure what do you do with yourself?'

HA!

Give me a moment to myself and I'll figure an answer to that...

Self Respect or, Don't Look Down Your Nose At Me!

I've been turning shirt collars.
Remember that chore?
Boring, tijus, time consuming but rather necessary if I want to continue to look respectable and hire able.

I've had this post rattling round my pea-brain for more than a month, but was unsure how to broach the subject without sounding bitter or resentful. Well, fyi, I'm neither. From my present vantage point it feels as though I'm coming to a place of occasional contentment and even (shock horror!) enjoyment, sometimes. I thought I'd never get here even intermittently so please keep that in mind if you read further.

Last week when I went to collect the 'dole' money a woman crystallised for me an attitude I have been receiving from many people, a combination of disgust, superiority, disdain and at times downright rudeness. I'd noticed it before but either I was more vulnerable than usual or she was just ruder.

So I would like to ask you what your opinion and attitude is to people who are without official employment and dependant on the pretty lousy State hand-out to keep a roof over their head and a semblance of normality to their life? Do you think the likes of me is too lazy to get off their bums and work? Are we unemployable as well as social pariahs? Are we suddenly classed as losers, boozers and tossers without a shred of proof? Does anyone think I was actually aiming for this as a career prospect back when I graduated from College and then got married convinced that I could make a difference to the world and have a great, useful, inspiring life as well as being them best mother and wife the nations had ever seen?

How many of your dreams have crashed and burned, either through your own or others fault...inadvertent probably? How many times have you narrowly escaped being on the skids through pure luck, and how many times has a stroke of good fortune happened to you through pure fluke?

What if you had not received the good fortune? What if you made life-changing decisions which inadvertently put you on the path to financial and emotional bankruptcy? What if you stand and consider people like me, and those worse off, as 'there but for the grace of God go I'? Or do you look at us and think we must have severely displeased God to end up in this situation because those whom He loves He blesses?

Have you considered the effort it takes to look respectable when your charity shop clothes are fast wearing out and you can no longer even afford charity shop prices? Have you considered how many people go to interviews hungry because they needed their money for the bus fare or petrol to get there? Yes I have a laptop and am keeping up phone and Internet charges, how else do I hope to get a job or be contacted? Yes I am also overweight, the cheapest food is better than none and it is also the least nutritious or healthy, you think I like eating rubbish?

At present I am working five different 'jobs' hoping for references, barter, the lead to employment, money making opportunities.. I call them  jobs for my own self respect, one gives me vegetables which keeps food on the table part of the week, another gives me occasional hand-outs when she can afford it and bits of fabric!! All are necessary to my self-esteem.

But as I said at the beginning, there are days that I really enjoy, and I didn't expect that from this precarious existence. I look at 'the haves' with their shopping bags and good clothes and cars and feel a twinge of jealousy, sure, but I know for certain that my higgledy piggeldy lifestyle has more potential, if less remuneration. I also look at the apparent 'haves' and wonder how much fear or loss their outward appearance is hiding. Certainly I'd like to be certain of keeping the roof over my head and being able to feed my girls when they visit without having to go begging from my parents for money, and sure I'd like to know for certain that it will not always be this hand to mouth financial scramble. But I will not put myself back into a position of being bullied or abused in any way shape or form in order to achieve those things.

So for now, yes I am one of the ones looked down upon, a drain on the State, waster and loser and whatever other judgements they care to throw at me, but they judge and find guilty without trial.

In the words of Mr. Magorian:

'We must face tomorrow, whatever it may hold, with

determination,

joy

and bravery.'

 

And boy! every single day takes a truckload of each of those qualities to be got through head up and with a smile on my face.

So yes, I am unemployed; no, this was not a conscious life choice; yes, I would like paid employment; no, I refuse to see myself as down-trodden, desperate sometimes, but not at my wits end; yes, I am going somewhere even though unsure quite where!!

Statistics are real people and on the days I'm struggling to not give up on me, your attitude will make a difference.

Got There!

I survived the jolly season.

Let me tell you that that alone is an achievement.

I decided I couldn't bear to be an add-on to another family's Christmas, so despite the fact that three friends were kind enough to invite me for Christmas Day, I declined. They said they understood. Church was fun in the morning, and since my girls were all there I got to see them then.

New Year I listened to the annual RTE Concert from the National Concert Hall which is always fun.

Still, tomorrow things return to normal. You may be sad, I can't say I am.

Now I need to get on with some paperwork and sorting out the usual junk...like finances!!


Just to put a positive spin on the outlook, I was thinking about next summer. Part of the privilege of being school secretary is that the pay is barely over the minimum wage and I don't get paid for nine weeks in the summer, so as well as needing to save up for rent and signing onto the 'dole' I have zilch hope of getting away for a break. SOOOOO I was thinking of volunteering somewhere and then...I remembered reading about the WWOOF site...I know its kinda more a young peoples' thing but I could work to travel couldn't I?

A change being as good as a rest and all that...as long as I didn't lose my nerve at the last minute...

Any opinions or experiences?

Sez It All...

Been A While...

Its been a while since I posted, let alone posted regularly. How have you been keeping? Missed yez, missed yez lots and thought of you individually often, wondering how things were going?

During the Autumn I was getting to grips with the new job- just FYI, School Secretary is not for the faint- hearted! I love the children to bits, I even really like all the staff and the principal, but boy! for each lovely parent it seems you get one who couldn't care less and one who is as obnoxious as bedamned! Its truly another world out there folks! As a teacher you may receive a little respect, as secretary there is NONE!

Over Christmas the Hub, Middlest and Youngest went to East Africa for three weeks to see all his family and catch up. His Dad has not been well, and is taking ill health and age very badly- well why shouldn't he, I guess? He's probably only being the way most people would like to act??!!

Eldest stayed in Ireland and was up and down to Dublin. With the mild winter that's been in it her health has been much improved, as well as being prescribed new and much more suitable medication. The last few days she has crashed again but luckily she is at home so she can lie on the sofa and grump all she likes! Over the Christmas week she had all sorts of friends to stay and it was fun seeing how they are all growing into such lovely adults- if they are a sign of things to come, its lookin' good!!

To say that I have found things difficult over the last while would be rather an understatement. But at the same time I've been seeing someone as part of a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) program, and I feel as though I am mentally beginning to get my feet under me once more. The idea (excuse me if you know this) is to change one's own thinking and reactions, to be more proactive and not reactive in life's ups and down....I think....

Its HARD WORK!!!!!!

And learning to stand my ground and think afresh is difficult too, but so far, worth it. I'm very, very lucky to be getting any help at all as the mental health services are over-run with demands. I'm also really lucky in the friends who are still standing by me as I grapple with the inside of my head!

I really need to get back to writing regularly. I also need to get back to visiting all of you because that too keeps me sane, and out of my own head- to say nothing of really enjoying your company, of course!!!

I'm playing for Church this morning, guess they might be a little shocked if the organist rocked up in her pyjamas and her hair all on end clutching a mug of tea...or maybe they'd take it in their stride, they know my foibles well enough by this time!!

Have a peaceful, restful day, folks and I hope to chat again soon!

PS I got a camera phone for Christmas and I've been taking some photos around the place; when I figure how to upload them here I'll share!