The Sandwich Generation

When I first heard the term 'The Sandwich Generation' I thought yummy! coleslaw and bacon? or cheese and ham? But after another moments' thought I decided it was a really condescending term to use to describe a stressful way of living for many, many families. The situation may be more prevalent with our increasing longevity, but people, often women, have been working to keep children and parents, and very often nieces, nephews, uncles and aunts adequately cared for for generations.

What is difficult to understand is the sheer volume of busyness involved in keeping up with all the demands and duties. As a mother I thought my girls were high maintenance as toddlers! Then they got to be teenagers and I thought, well this is fun, but I was permanently wrecked with all their school and activities and friends' socialising. They are in their 20s now and although they are away it shows no sign of slowing down...and they are independent, resourceful young women.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the parents have aged, slowed down and need increasing attention and assistance. There are days I have to decide whose need is greater and let one family member down in preference to another.

And besides all that there is the small matter of part-time work and self-employment to try and keep a roof over my head and stay out of debt.

On any given day I can be listening to one daughter on the phone, having another rock up unexpectedly and wonder why there's no bread in the freezer (another sister finished it at the weekend), help folks with the garden heavy work, assist another daughter with getting the washing machine in her new flat working and then on the end of the phone via multimedia messages (excellent invention) help her find the whereabouts of the water valve when the kitchen subsequently floods, bump into someone else in town and take their shopping home for them so they can have a decent walk (dry days are increasingly rare!), and eventually return home having forgotten to do all my own errands.

I'm lucky as I've only had part-time occupation for years so I have the time for other people, and still time to be ill myself. What about others? Those with bedridden parents or disabled family members? What about those who are financing family members' care and are so tightly strung financially they can't see the wood for the trees? What about those who become so isolated in their busyness of minding others that they become depressed and too worn out to function efficiently. I know several families where the wife works full-time, with children still in high-dependency mode, and parents and parents-in-law who need constant care. What about them?

This may be the reality for many people but it is not easy, usually thankless (who thanks anyone for 'doing their duty'?) and as the only realistic end can be the death of someone, how can they look forward to that without all sorts of guilt and grief?

Like I say, I have it easy compared to many and still my resources are not such that I can offer too much help to others without making myself more ill. Eldest's partner copes admirably with her illness and disabilities, the other girls come and go with just the usual hiccups, my parents are still pretty independent and I have siblings among which to divide the responsibility.

It's a tough situation.

And then some idiot says 'you only work part time? and your children all grown? sure what do you do with yourself?'

HA!

Give me a moment to myself and I'll figure an answer to that...

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday once again- and today I've got an especially big Thankful!

1. Thankful that Dilly has survived my mothering so far because today she turns 21!! Exciting or what?! Of course she's not here to celebrate but we'll have a knees-up next month when she comes home. For fun, I dug out the album with her 1st birthday photos- and believe me, at the time I remember being so thankful that she'd survived that long!
...your eyes do not deceive you: she took the candle off her cake and ate the candle...

2. Thankful that after 6 days in bed with a lurgy, and 2 days shuffling around the house, I'm finally on the mend.

3. Thankful for my parents who helped the Hub with the School run and getting BBug to places.

4. Thankful for Permaculture Magazine, which has kept my thoughts occupied whilst lying in the dark feeling rotten, lots of ideas and information to mentally process!

5. I think I've said this before, but every so often it hits me again: Thankful that I live in a place where I have the freedom to choose my way of living, and the freedom of information and knowledge to make informed decisions. I am allowed to have morals and ethics and to demonstrate both in my lifestyle choices, even when they deviate from 'normal'. There's a LOT of people in this world of ours who don't have these freedoms.

Happy Thursday, people!

Colm Wilkinson and Enniskillen.

It was an odd weekend, warm, but incredibly wet. There was no doing anything in the garden but everything is growing apace. Sos was called to work on Friday night, and B was out at a sleep-over with a school-friend, which made the place startlingly quiet for a few hours.
Sos works in a florist shop in town when things get busy or they need a runner or a gofer. She fell into it by accident as she did her school work-experience there in 4th year, and because she was willing they’ve been calling on her ever since. It’s a great blessing for us as it means she can earn her own money for big things and we don’t have to either tell her ‘no’ or frantically try to dredge up extra. On Friday evening they were having a flower demonstration and needed an extra pair of hands, she had fun too!

Saturday I sewed, and did some indoor chores, like the ironing, well part of the ironing: I got bored and finished the Jill Mansell book (‘Sheer Mischief’) instead, then returned to the patchwork. The book was very entertaining, I’d recommend it. In the evening I went to a Concert by Colm Wilkinson. He sang in ‘Les Mis’ when it opened on Broadway, and for some time afterwards I think. We’ve several of his recordings. He was pretty entertaining, talk about the ultimate mad Irishman, and has quite the voice. I took a few photos but they didn’t come out very well.

Sunday was one of my ‘couldn’t wake up days’. Lucky it was Sunday as when they occur there is nothing I can do except sleep it off. An expenditure of too much nervous energy I think, but at least the girls are old enough for it to not be the inconvenience it once was. The Hub said I missed a good sermon on 2 Corinthians 12 v2-10: ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ The Rector was in fine form, mind you, he is a good speaker and his sermons are always worth noting and considering. I got out the passage this evening and though Paul wrote those words as being applicable to himself, they are still so relevant, perhaps even more in present times of uncertainty. Paul says he can only boast about his own weakness because it is then that God’s power is most visible to others through him. Today, as I unfortunately started to slide again down into my own black pit (the Slough of Despond) I’m holding tight to the same words- ‘My grace is sufficient for you.’ It better be, Lord!

This morning Sos, B and I went to Enniskillen with Mum and Dad for a bit of an outing. There are always some things you can’t buy in the south, but can in the north, and Enniskillen is our nearest town across the border. It poured on and off all day there too. The girls had a lovely time pottering, and B got some unusual stickers for her card- making, as well as three books in the Bargain Bookshop. Sos got a smart top, she doesn’t ‘do’ books, I think she must be a changeling. Dad and I were finished first so we sat by the main door in the Erneside and watched the rain. He started the cryptic crossword in today’s paper (1. across: ‘a pop festival’….Fathers’ Day) and I supervised! He asked to borrow a pen, then told me it was no good because it would only knew the answers to four letter clues… There’s a quote from ‘Friends’ the girls love to use at me, I think it was said by Rachel: ‘I tried so hard not to turn into my Mother that I’ve turned into my Father!’ The girls say they only have to look at my Dad to know exactly the way I’ll be in another thirty years! Hmmm…

The Hub’s Mother is supposed to be coming to visit in October and our spare-room is still in the same condition that the builders left it three years ago. The Hub is getting a bit ansty so has been pricing sheds- well yes, I thought lawn-mower, garden equipment, camping stuff, and tools etc belonged in a spare room too, but he has this funny idea that they should be in a shed. It must be a Kenyan notion I suppose. Anyhow, after some discussion with various timber-merchants, and shed-sellers, he’s decided to build a shed and then clear the spare room. Well good luck to him, he’s about three months to do it: I’ll make the curtains nearer to October, I’m not getting excited just yet! I’ll not even measure the windows just yet!! I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist!

I was playing with the camera and the panorama program, this is the view around the north and east of our house, as you can tell its a very built up area! I'm wondering if its come out inside out though as that blobby hill shouldn't be to the east. Ah well! It was fun!

A camera borrowed and Sos arrives home!

Guess what! I‘ve managed to borrow Dad’s old camera and am working out how to use it, so soon there will be photos! B is my advisor and doing a great job! So…watch this space!!

Yesterday the Hub took the carpet designated for the spare bedroom outside to measure it and work out how to lay it. When the postman arrived he wondered whether we were going to carpet the drive instead of paving it. Our postman is one gas man, always good for a quick chat and a laugh; people like him are a gift to the day.

B chose a little wire storage box in Homebase yesterday for her card resources and spent this morning carefully sorting them into an order. She is enjoying herself so much. She also hung up the wet laundry for me without being asked and got supper for Sos. She so missed her sister this last week.

Sos arrived back on the Dublin bus late this afternoon having had a great time in Spain. She spent last night in Dublin with Dilly and they talked themselves to a standstill! From what she has told us so far they made the most of every day, visiting both cultural places, and the Warner Bros. Park which they loved. She was pick-pocketed twice, but both times gave chase and got her money back no problem…an advantage of having Kick-boxing as a hobby! One of the boys had his camera taken but another chased after the thief and retrieved. They found an Irish bar run by a hilarious guy from Donegal so their evenings were very staid- NOT! All in all, the entire trip has done her a power of good. She brought me back a brilliant pencil topper which I’m going to post as my profile picture when I figure how!

I spent much of today with the folks. They are expecting visitors so were doing a tidy and clean- Mom is much tidier than me, so her ‘spaces’ didn’t need so much, but Dad is a disaster, even compared to me, and THAT’s saying something! We were looking at a slide show of his photos, some of which he took in Switzerland and the scenery was amazing. In the dresser he found some old photos of his parents before he was born so we were looking at them too, its fun tracing likenesses down the generations!
I’ve been thinking recently how lucky I am that the opportunity to return to live from overseas came whilst my folks are still in good health and strength. I know they enjoy living close to their grand-daughters, but I’m also very glad to have these years with them as through circumstances beyond anyone’s control I had to leave home part way through school, and never again lived near them until we returned from Kenya. I lived with close relatives so am fortunate to have two sets of family really! But still…not everyone gets to make up for lost time and I know I’m lucky.